Campaign 2012 – A Political Analysis
The decorations are packed back into the attic, the Christmas tree is out at the curb and most of the New Year’s hangover has worn off. Now that all that important holiday consumption is out of the way, we can turn ourselves to the great game of Match.com that is our political elections. Come and view the profiles of men dolled up to look their best, and listen to their tales of how caring and successful they are. They’ll introduce you to their mothers, because you are important to them. They each promise to respect you in the morning. Honest, they really will, if you just give them this one little thing.
Here we go again. Happy Election Year! Let the madcap hilarity ensue.
Barack Obama – Democrat
Promises: Obama ran his original campaign on a platform of transparency, a focus on the needs of lower and middle classes and an end to failed Bush-era policies.
Track Record: To say that relations between the Obama administration and the press have been contentious is to say Noah built a boat and then it rained some. Obama accepted an award for transparency – which the press was not allowed to attend – and held a workshop on transparency – which the press was not allowed to attend. He has currently broken all Bush 2.0 records on longest time without fielding a full press conference and fewest press conferences. The corporate media has run pieces on hysterical shrieking press secretaries, nasty emails and being barred from the press room if they dare print anything Obama doesn’t like.
Obama remains the biggest recipient of campaign donations from Wall Street banks – you doubt? Read here and weep – and while middle class America has foundered, Wall Street has enjoyed greater profits than ever under Obama. Conversely, the HAMP program intended to help families stay in their homes, has seen just 4% of those who applied receiving a successful permanent modification of their mortgage. Percentage of banks who applied for and received intensely favorable emergency loans at the Fed window – 100%.
Gitmo is still open. The foreign wars continue, and Obama added in another undeclared war with Libya. The Bush-era tax cuts everyone froths at the mouth over? After three years of being continued under Obama, it’s questionable whether we can still call them “Bush tax cuts” with any intellectual honesty. Obama signed the Patriot Act renewal, and upped the ante with NDAA and indefinite detention. Every poll ever taken showed a majority of Americans did not support Obamacare, and he pushed it through anyway (Show me what democracy looks like!). The repeal of ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ has a court order attached which Obama still has to fight in court.
Conclusion: His campaign slogan this time around should be, ‘Hope and Change – This Time, I Really Mean It‘.
Rick Perry – Republican
Promises: Depends. Donate enough, and you can have whatever you want, baby.
Track Record: Texas hates him, and a common meme going around is that if we inflict him on D.C., at least he’s out of our state. Perry’s track record is as difficult to nail down as the breeze, which blows him hither and yon as he strives to convince all people that he is all things. The only thing one can state with absolute certainly is that he is widely detested by Texans outside of Austin, and the reasons the man has managed to maintain any relevance are idiocy and voter apathy.
Forget John Kerry. This man has ‘flip-flop’ engraved on his check book. He makes Hispanic-friendly and pro-immigrant speeches, points to his state’s high Latino population with the assumption that they all must LOVE him, and then bashes Romney for making healthcare available to illegal immigrants (not even true). He preaches fiscal responsibility, while his administration can’t figure out whether the Texas state budget is $15 or $27 billion in the red. He pats himself on the back over Texas job creation, while Texas leads the nation in McJobs and one of the largest Texas job sectors to grow in the last four years were government jobs – unfunded government jobs.
And then there’s the rental mansion. In 2008, the Texas governor’s mansion was damaged by arson. Since then Perry, his family and vital staff have been living in posh rented digs at taxpayer expense, billing items such as a $1000 emergency repair to an ice maker and $1500 per month in cleaning supplies. It is not wise for such a person to then take potshots about fat cats living it up at taxpayer expense. Which he did.
Score: Dunno. Is “fucking asshole” a score?
Conclusion: Everything about Governor Goodhair is facepalm-inducing. A plethora of fail. A veritable buffet of fail. It pains me that we are even discussing him. Texas doesn’t want him – why would you?
Mitt Romney – Republican
Promises: To be the conservative Obama, only better and with extra hope sprinkles on top.
Track Record: Magical underwear and mandated purchase of health insurance are not designed to win the hearts and minds of the American public. He needs to fire his PR guy. Although, it must be said that if you won’t vote for him only because he’s a Mormon, you deserve what you get.
Seriously, who is this guy and why should we give a fuck? He’s pretty, he’s got nice hair, he’s rich, he’s a Mormon. … Nope, still no fucks given. The highlights of his political career are one term in office as governor, a failed presidential run in 2008 and Romneycare, a Massachusetts approach to fixing health care by forcing everyone to buy it or, if you can’t afford that, to give the state a hefty sum of money you also can’t afford. This
insurance cronyism healthcare reform is widely recognized as a disastrous failure.
Frankly, if that’s his idea of appealing to both Republicans and Democrats, it sucks. As does everything else about him (except the hair – he has very nice hair). He’s been accused of flip-flopping, although that may be because no one cared enough to remember what he said the first time around. He was heckled by Iowan voters for arguing with them that corporation were people, and one has to ponder whether telling people they’re wrong and stupid and please vote for me tomorrow is a well-planned strategy.
Score: 1 Well, we have to give him that if he wants to be the conservative Obama, the trouble is that Americans aren’t terribly fond of Obama.
Conclusion: Governor Goodhair Lite. He’s a rich nobody who wants to play politics by being everything anyone wants, and nothing anyone needs. I suspect he’s an asshole, I’m just not sure why. It would be better for everyone if he became a spokesmodel for L’Oreal.
Ron Paul – Republican
Promises: Fiscal policy sanity, end to American imperialism, restore the Constitution, end the Federal Reserve
Track Record: People think he’s crazy, mostly because they want to see all the failed policies to date continued in the hopes that these policies will start working one of these days. Ron Paul is probably not crazy. In fact, he’s probably right. That doesn’t mean he’ll do anything about it, as that is his track record to date. A big fat nothing.
Ron Paul is best known for being blatantly ignored by the corporate media, for talking a great deal of absolute sense and, unfortunately, for never doing a damned thing of any importance whatsoever. Many of his supporters cry that one lone man with the right idea can’t get anything done if everyone else in government is a bank-owned asshole. There are two inherent logical fallacies in that argument. The first is that the presidency is still one lone man versus all those assholes in the legislature. The second is that Paul is the chairman for domestic monetary policy, a position tasked with overseeing the Federal Reserve. All those wonderful things he talks about? He took action on none of them. None. Zero. An absence of a positive figure.
Score: None. Zero. An absence of a positive figure.
Conclusion: If I wanted someone who talked a good game and then did sweet fuck-all to fix the problems, I could have voted Obama. Ron Paul is more hope and change, just to a different beat. Politically, my nickname for him is Johnny Bench.
Newt Gingrich – Republican
Promises: To be the next Reagan.
Track Record: Seriously, people? What the fuck. I mean, what the fuck is this shit, I don’t even know. I am not that old – I was wearing hammer pants in middle school the last time they got this guy out of cold storage – and I can still recall two reasons off the top of my head why the man is not only a douchebag, but evil. An evil douchebag. It’s like the American public has the attention span of a three year old.
Gingrich’s first wife was presented with divorce papers while in the hospital recovering from surgery for cancer. The only good news in this is that the woman he was cheating on her with, and went on to marry, he also divorced right after she was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis and later married the woman with whom he’d been cheating on her with. Yeah, that’s a man stable enough to have his finger on the button. I can totally never see him lying to the American public. Because that would be wrong.
Many moons ago, we had a Contract With America. Co-authored by Gingrinch and under his supervision as Speaker for the House, it promised things such as no more baseline budgeting, to do away with the Dept of Education, cut the number of legislative committees and require all laws to apply to Congress as well. How’d that work out for you? (For the brainpan-challenged, we have none of those things in effect.) Ironically, and demonstrating that Gingrich knows exactly how short America’s memory is, his presidential campaign released a new Contract With America. Yes, it’s even called the same thing. Because the evil douchebag is laughing at you.
Score: Pure Evil
Conclusion: AFLKLG:FRTY *keyboard smash of RAGE* Whyyyyy is he a candidate? Make him go away, people. Make him go away NOW. I wouldn’t vote him in as third county dogcatcher, and if I saw him on the street I would protectively usher small children to the other side.
And that wraps it up. Don’t forget to vote, people! Because change only happens when you get involved! Ahahahah!
Love from – oh god, it’s snowing again,
Locke in Socks